Saturday, July 30, 2011

Being Poly and why it works for me.

Earlier this week I posted a link to an article written by Jason Pitzl-Waters on The Wild Hunt Blog in which I was quoted about polyamory. I also promised to write more on the topic later this week, and the time has come.

First off, I swore to myself I would never enter a polyamorous relationship. All the poly people I had known had been messed up mentally, were looking for another person to fill a void in their relationship, or were just looking for excuses to get their groove on with multiple partners. It all just seamed a little too out there for me. I grew up in the mid-west and had fully expected to find a partner by the time I was 30, settle down, have 2.5 children, and go on about life like an average American... only gayer. :P

Almost two years ago I completely fell head-over-heals for my two partners. It was unexpected but ultimately I am the typical Sag... romance, love, whispers of sweet nothings.... all the bane of my existence! I am a sucker for taking risks for love. I threw caution to the wind, boarded a plane, and within 6 hours I landed in California. Me, the small town boy gave it all up for the fast paced life in CA and I did it all for the promise of love.

Unlike before I had entered the relationship I was able to solely focus on the concepts of love, how it evolved within me over time, and also the sheer and simple fact that love is different every-time we experience it and not only that but love is simply not a finite resource within us. Truly unlocking it is to challenge our concepts of it and push the envelope as to how it can manifest in our lives.

Unconditional love? Hmm, well how can love be unconditional if we chain it to someone else's values? When I entered this relationship I was still banged and bruised from love gone wrong in the past, I was not vulnerable, but jaded. Contrary to the popular belief at the time of me entering this relationship, there was no brain-washing, there was no convincing, the guys if anything took everything I would have to do to make the switch into consideration and asked me every day if this was what I wanted. At times it felt like they were trying to talk me out of it for fear that I would loose too much. But I am bull-headed and stubborn, and c'mon have you seen my guys? HOT!

The truth of the matter is that we are dealing with love here. Love that is free to express its self in what ever way it chooses too. Of all the relationships I have been in this relationship has been the healthiest, the most challenging, and the most inspiring.

What makes the Dynamics of poly different than other relationships? That is easy! Very little. We value the power of the individual and are also aware that we equal more than the sum of our individual parts. Being poly allows for each individual to be independent. We each have our own relationships with the other, and then we have our over-all relationship. As long as we honor each-others needs and desires and do so from a place of understanding and compassion than we can do anything!

I wish I had some other great droplet of wisdom but to tell you the truth, what it takes to make any relationship successful is communication. Adding another person to the mix places a challenge on that but if you know that communication is the corner-stone of any relationship than you must not allow it to become what lacks. I don't just have boyfriends or partners, I have companions. Together we collectively make for a team of empowered and respectful individuals who are willing to test the boundaries of love.

People almost instantly jump to the conclusion that people become poly because of the sex- which I am sure does play a part in it for some, but ultimately that is not the point..... but a perk. I will choose to avoid getting into my sex life, because it is MY sex life and is no ones business. I think if we move away from everything being about sex all the time we can see what lies within the belly of the unknown.

Having multiple partners also means that you have more support. I know no matter what I have a loving, caring, and genuinely interested person within reach at all times. If I need a pick me up or a little inspiration all I need to do is pick up the phone or look over my shoulder. If something were to happen to one of us (Gods forbid) there are two people to help take care of the other. If one of us looses our job, there are two other sources of income. See the tripod brings stability and security.

I don't really see a big difference in my relationship compared to yours. I come home from work, am greeted with not one but two loving smiles, I sleep in the same bed as my partners, and I wake-up feeling that everything is OK. If one day I wake up and have the awareness that I am no longer in a relationship that served me, I at the very least have learned what I deserve from love, which is the most valuable lesson I have learned yet. 

Being Poly works for me because you can not hide from your emotions, you can not act like it is all OK, because in a poly relationship you are guaranteed to have someone seeing what is really going on. It works because we are a family, not just three guys who sleep together. It works for me because there is real and genuine love. It works for me because it is empowering. 


  1. I'm truly intrigued by this and how it all works. I do know one thing though, you are incredibly confident and happy. It makes ME happy to see you so happy. You deserve it!

  2. My experience with polyamory is limited. From what little I've seen it is very different from say "open relationships" which as you've already mentioned is pretty much about sex. Nor is it polygamy in the Mormon model where the spousal relationships revolve around one person. Your flavor of polyamory strikes me as more egalitarian because all three of you are emotionally, physically, financially and even spiritually committed to each other. This is fairly typical of the triad, quad and even quint groupings that seem to dominate the poly-relationships that I've seen within the GLBT and Pagan communities. Personally I think romantic love is beautiful; as long as it is among consenting adults. In my mind the three of you comprise a happy family.